Who's on First: a Grave Digger's Version


Bucky: Alright, now whaddya want?
Boris: Now look, I'm the head of the autopsy department. I gotta know the cadavers' names. Do you know the guys' names?
Bucky: Oh sure. 
Boris: So you go ahead and tell me some of their names.
Bucky: Well, I'll introduce you to the boys. Now let's see, who we 
have on the slabs - we have Who on the first, What on the second, 
and I Don't Know on the third.
Boris: That's what I wanna find out.
Bucky: I said Who's on the first, What's on the second, I Don't Know's on the third-
Boris: You know the fellows' names?
Bucky: Certainly!
Boris: Well then who's on the first?
Bucky: Yes!
Boris: I mean the fellow's name!
Bucky: Who!
Boris: The guy on the first slab!
Bucky: Who!
Boris: The first corpse!
Bucky: Who!
Boris: The guy laid out on the first slab!
Bucky: Who is on the first slab!
Boris: Now whaddya askin' me for?
Bucky: I'm telling you Who is on the first slab.
Boris: Well, I'm asking YOU who's on the first slab!
Bucky: That's the man's name.
Boris: That's whose name?
Bucky: Yes.
Boris: Well, go ahead and tell me.
Bucky: Who.
Boris: The guy on the first slab.
Bucky: Who!
Boris: The first corpse.
Bucky: Who is on the first slab!
Boris: Have you got a toe tag for the first corpse?
Bucky: Absolutely.
Boris: Whose name is on the tag?
Bucky: Well, naturally!
Boris: When you enbalm the first corpse, who gets the fluid?
Bucky: Every drop. Why not? The man's entitled to it.
Boris: Who is?
Bucky: Yes. The wife may come down and inspect it.
Boris: Whose wife?
Bucky: Yes.
Boris: All I'm tryin' to find out is what's the guy's name on the first slab.
Bucky: Oh, no - wait a minute, don't switch 'em around. What is on the second slab.
Boris: I'm not askin' you who's on the second slab.
Bucky: Who is on the first.
Boris: I don't know.
Bucky: He's on the third - now we're not talkin' 'bout him.
Boris: Now, how did I get on the third slab?
Bucky: You mentioned his name!
Boris: If I mentioned the third corpse's name, who did I say is on the third slab?
Bucky: No - Who's on the first.
Boris: Never mind the first - I wanna know what's the guy's name on the third slab.
Bucky: No - What's on the second.
Boris: I'm not askin' you who's on the second
Bucky: Who's on the first.
Boris: I don't know.
Bucky: He's on the third.
Boris: Aaah! Would you please stay on the third slab and don't go off it?
Bucky: What was it you wanted?
Boris: Now who's layin' on the third slab?
Bucky: Now why do you insist on putting Who on the third slab?
Boris: Why? Who am I putting over there?
Bucky: Yes. But we don't want him there.
Boris: What's the guy's name on the third slab?
Bucky: What belongs on the second.
Boris: I'm not askin' you who's on the second.
Bucky: Who's on the first.
Boris: I don't know.
Bucky & Boris: THIRD SLAB!
Boris: You got any in coffins?
Bucky: Oh yes!
Boris: The occupant's name?
Bucky: Why.
Boris: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask you.
Bucky: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.
Boris: Alright, then tell me who's in the coffin.
Bucky: Who is on the fir-
Boris: STAY OFF OF THE SLABS! I wanna know what's the name of the body in the coffin.
Bucky: What's on the second slab.
Boris: I'm not askin' you who's on the second slab.
Bucky: Who's on the first.
Boris: I don't know.
Bucky & Boris: THIRD SLAB!
Boris: The guy in the coffin’s name?
Bucky: Why.
Boris: Because!
Bucky: Oh, he's in the hearse.
Boris: Look, you gotta mortician on this team?
Bucky: Now wouldn't this be a fine team without a mortician.
Boris: The mortician's name.
Bucky: Tomorrow.
Boris: You don't wanna tell me today?
Bucky: I'm tellin' you now.
Boris: Then go ahead.
Bucky: Tomorrow.
Boris: What time?
Bucky: What time what?
Boris: What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who's the mortician?
Bucky: Now listen. Who is not the mortician. Who is on the fir-
Boris: I'll break your arm if you say "Who's on the first slab?" I wanna know what's the mortician's name.
Bucky: What's on the second slab.
Boris: I don't know.
Bucky & Boris: THIRD SLAB!
Boris: You got a grave digger?
Bucky: Oh, absolutely.
Boris: The grave digger's name.
Bucky: Today.
Boris: Today. And Tomorrow's the mortician.
Bucky: Now you've got it.
Boris: All we've got is a couple of days on the team.
Bucky: Well, I can't help that.
Boris: Well, I'm a grave digger too.
Bucky: I know that.
Boris: Now suppose that I'm digging a grave, Tomorrow's the mortician on my team and our coroner shows up.
Bucky: Yes.
Boris: Tomorrow gets the body. The coroner logs in the body. When he wants to enbalm the body, me being a good grave digger, I wanna dig the grave for the guy on the first slab. So I dig the grave for who?
Bucky: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
Boris: I don't even know what I'm talkin' about!
Bucky: Well, that's all you have to do.
Boris: Is dig the grave for the guy on the first slab?
Bucky: Yes.
Boris: For who?
Bucky: Naturally!
Boris: If I dig the grave for the body on the first slab, somebody's gotta go in it. Now who goes in it?
Bucky: Naturally!
Boris: Who goes in?
Bucky: Naturally.
Boris: Who?
Bucky: Naturally!
Boris: Naturally.
Bucky: Yes.
Boris: So I dig the grave and I bury Naturally.
Bucky: NO, NO, NO! You dig the grave for the body on the first slab and Who gets buried.
Boris: Naturally.
Bucky: That's right. There we go.
Boris: So I dig the grave and I bury Naturally.
Bucky: You don't!
Boris: I bury who?
Bucky: Naturally.
Boris: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!
Bucky: You're not saying it that way.
Boris: I said I dig the grave for Naturally.
Bucky: You don't - you dig the grave for Who.
Boris: Naturally!
Bucky: Well, say that!
Boris: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING! I dig the grave for who?
Bucky: Naturally.
Boris: Ask me.
Bucky: You dig the grave for Who?
Boris: Naturally.
Bucky: That's it.
Boris: SAME AS YOU!! I dig the grave for the guy on the first slab and who goes in it?
Bucky: Naturally!
Boris: Who goes in it?
Bucky: Naturally!
Boris: HE BETTER GO IN IT! I dig the grave for the guy on the first slab. whoever it is gets lowered in it so I dig a grave for the guy on the second, who's grave gets filled up with dirt from what, what's grave gets filled up with dirt from I don't know. three for the price of one.
Bucky: Yes.
Boris: Another body comes in - it takes a long time to embalm him. Why? Because. I don't know. He's on the third slab and I don't give a damn!
Bucky: What was that?
Boris: I said I don't give a damn!
Bucky: Oh, he's getting cremated.